By the standards of today, I’m essentially a hermit living in a cave:
- I have only one close friend, my wife of 30 years.
- I spend most of my waking hours alone in my office – a windowless, converted cellar – and I love it.
- I avoid in-person interaction with people outside of a very small circle.
And yet:
- I like engaging with people online.
- I bare my soul and every medical condition on this blog.
- I stalk deep thinkers on the internet, devouring dozens of articles a day.
So…what, exactly, does it mean to be an introvert in a connected society?
Does a connected life reinforce our “intro” tendencies toward isolation? Or does the internet finally give us the engagement with humanity that completes us?
This is the manifesto of a contemporary introvert, a modern-day, digitally-connected hermit.
Don’t call me, I’ll call you…maybe…but probably not
I like people.
Actually, I like the concept of people. People are awesome in the abstract. But up close and personal…that’s a different thing altogether.
I have learned, like many of my fellow introverts, how to perform well in public. When I’m with other people, I enjoy their company. But I can only take a couple hours of social contact before I want to shed my skin like a lizard, leaving behind a shell with a stuck-on smile while I make my escape.

Given the choice of socializing or staying home, staying home wins every time in a landslide.
Even before events with family, I’ll usually take my anti-anxiety supplement cocktail. 1 There’s likely some placebo effect, but it keeps me from flinching when the “glad to see you, let’s hug” session begins.
Note: Always click on these → 2 for additional, slightly off topic but still interesting stuff. Go ahead, try it.
Hugging makes my anxiety skyrocket
Hugging does not equal love. It’s just hugging. I’d probably die in a culture that exchanges cheek kisses.
Listen: How does introversion feel?
Click below to expand and read a transcript. Click again to minimize it.
➤ Read a transcript
There is undoubtedly a genetic component to my introversion, but I’m certain of what reinforced this tendency: thousands of hours of glorious aloneness on my childhood farm.
Glorious solitude
Over the years of my youth, I spent hour after hour, day after day, year after year, taking care of our small farm. I spent those hours and days by myself, and I loved it.
As I sputtered along on my tractor, tilling the soil, I was king of all I surveyed, insulated by the vast emptiness of the Snake River Plain while dreaming endlessly of heroic future exploits. My only companions were the ever-present birds, tagging along to pluck the exposed worms.3
It’s fortunate for my social skills (and sanity) that society expects us to participate, to connect, to make an effort at engagement, hard though it may be. Without this expectation, I would likely still be isolated on my tractor, figuratively speaking, put-putting my way from field to field.
Interaction in school and Scouting and sports taught me how to get along with others, but I’m not a natural. For me, “getting along” is a calculation, not an innate skill. This skill comprises thousands of small lessons, accumulated over the years until my act is hardly distinguishable from the real thing.
But it’s not a role I can play continuously. Here’s my prescription for people: in small doses and on my own terms.
Most of my capacity for human contact is taken up by the primary person in my life, my wife. Everyone else on the planet gets what’s left – which is often not much.
My “with/away from” ratio is no more than ¼ of my time in direct contact with others. For every one hour with, I need at least three hours away…and time sleeping doesn’t count. If this ratio is off for a few days, my anxiety will increase logarithmically.
The salad dressing example
As I wrote this, the idea of introversion = salad dressing kept coming to my mind. You know: oil and vinegar.
The oil (introverts) doesn’t easily mix. It must be shaken vigorously to get it to engage, so to speak, with the vinegar. Then, briefly, it’s in there, socializing and mixing it up with the lettuce.
But almost immediately, the oil begins to separate, returning to its usual place: floating above, in contact but disconnected.

Video: The introversion cycle
5 minutes, 44 seconds | subtitles available
Introversion defined
Here’s the over-simplified, semi-definition of introversion that I subscribe to:
Human contact drains the “social tolerance” battery of introverts, causing them to seek time alone to recharge. Being alone recharges the battery.
Conversely, for extroverts:
Being alone drains the “joy of living” battery of extroverts, causing them to seek time with others to recharge. Human contact recharges the battery.
This perfectly describes my introversion. I like this definition because it doesn’t say:
Introverts are withdrawn, extroverts are outgoing.
…which includes some level of judgment regarding which is a better way to be.
The definition I prefer also explains why most introverts perform just fine in public, to the point where no one would consider them to be withdrawn at all. It’s just the length of our ability and willingness to perform that is the issue.
No human tendency is always black or white, this or that. There is a range of intro vs. extro traits. I’d put myself here on the range:
About that 'performance' thing
One reason why introverts can seem so engaging is that many of us have a performance trick that makes us appear to be great conversationalists.
When I’m interacting, I don’t want much attention on my own life, so I keep turning the conversation toward the other person. It’s an “avoidance of interaction” technique that gets me through social situations.
I’ll briefly share a personal anecdote or two, but if I’m talking about myself for more than a minute, the little voice in my head gets louder and louder:
“Wrap it up. They don’t really care about your stories and you know it. They’re just being polite.”
All of our performance tricks are designed to make us appear as part of a group, because that’s what the world expects. Where does this pressure to belong come from? And how is it affected by the online world?
The tribal pressure to belong
The common perception promoted by marketing is that everyone is dying to belong – that you are not complete unless you belong to at least one close group.
The marketing message is subtle. On the surface, the message is that you (the targeted consumer) are unique. The deeper message is that you must draw your “unique” identity from membership in a select group composed of people who all own a particular product.
In other words, the deeper message is that you’re a loser if you don’t belong to the right group.
Social media amplifies this mindset:
“I’m cool because I’m doing stuff that other cool people do…just with a slightly different, quirky twist.”
For more on this, read my article: You Talk Like a Lone Wolf, But Act Like A Sheep. How to Break Away from the Herd and Achieve Your Goals.
But, of course, marketing must promote the idea of shared consumption. Can you imagine the anti-social ads that would target the introverted lifestyle?

So: the relentless pressure is to belong. And we introverts do belong…but on our own terms rather than the conditions established by the marketing industry and social media.
How can someone who shares intimate details online be an introvert?
If you’ve looked at my medical page or my article on depression then you know that I don’t shy away from sharing personal, sensitive information with my followers.
So…how does that fit in with being an introvert?!
It goes back to me being OK with people in the abstract but not up close. Like many introverts, I have no problem with public speaking; I’ve shared personal stories in front of large crowds without any issue at all. Until I got off the stage and people wanted to mingle. Then…big issue.
This blog is my stage.
Plus, the older I get, the less I give a crap about judgment regarding my life and lifestyle.
The online introversion challenge
Being an online personality of sorts, I can speak to the dual challenges of introversion in our connected age:
1. The online opportunities to engage, to share, to participate, to add value to other’s lives.
Balanced by…
2. The endless opportunities to disengage by simply being an observer rather than a participant, or hiding behind a carefully-constructed avatar.
Can these challenges be reconciled? Well, they must. Because no matter how much we introverts may shy away from interaction, the truth is we still desire meaningful connections with other humans.
Humans: built to connect
I have a confession to make.
I spent many years – until quite recently – thinking that connection outside of a small circle of family was overrated and unnecessary. It was mainly a task, a skillset, as I explained earlier, that I had to master in order to function effectively in society.
I have come to realize that my thinking was wrong. It wasn’t connection per se that turned me off; it was the terms of connection that I didn’t like.
Introverts do have connection needs. We are, after all, human, and the desire/need to connect is coded into our DNA for survival purposes. But we don’t want connection at any cost; selective connection is more our style. If you are like me, then your need to belong does not trump everything else; community for the sake of community is far too superficial for our needs.4
So, what is it that I want out of connection? Speaking only for myself, I want to connect with ideas. 5 The more complex the ideas, the better. And the topic scarcely matters; I even like analysis of subjects I don’t particularly care about, such as sports. I never watch sports of any kind, but I’ll read a long article about the controversies surrounding the amateur/professional status of NCAA athletes.
[tweet] I want to connect to people’s brains, not to all that fleshy stuff surrounding their brains.
There’s just one problem with my terms of engagement, something you may have noticed: deep thinkers are not all that common in everyday life.
Thus: this blog. You might see it as an in-depth examination of different ideas, which it is. But it’s also a trap – a mind trap. It’s a way to attract deep-thinking people in order to connect with them.

(In case you’re wondering about your status: Anyone who has made it this far into a 3,000-word article is, by definition, a deep thinker.)6
Which brings me back7 to introversion in the connected age.
The online introvert
So: I seek out connection online because…
1. I can aggregate the deep thinkers and interact with them.
2. I can control that interaction much more easily than I can in person.
There aren’t many problems with number one; after all, I met you online, right? There’s virtually no limit to the places you can go, the mind adventures you can have, the in-depth conversations that are possible.
But the second item can lead to all kinds of problems.
It’s too easy to create the infamous “bubble” we keep hearing about, inside of which you breathe in only the ideas and opinions that smell right to you.
Plus, you can hide behind a semi-false persona, or disengage and drift away, avoiding genuine commitments of any kind.
Introversion in the social media age is…complicated. But not impossible if you accept yourself. Click To TweetAs I came to feel more fully alive online, I realized that I needed some guiding principles to keep myself from turning anti-social, and, perhaps, out of touch with flesh-and-blood relationships.
Thus: my manifesto.
The connected introvert’s manifesto
A manifesto is a published verbal declaration of the intentions, motives, or views of the issuer…
~ Wikipedia
First: I’m unapologetic:
About wanting to be alone most of the time.
I respect:
Your need to engage, as long as you respect my need to limit engagement.
The world will just have to accept:
That I am nearly complete unto myself, with only small spaces that need to be filled by others. But…
I recognize:
That “nearly complete” is not sufficient for a meaningful life. Online interaction can fill some of the small spaces, but not all. I must continually seek out ways to interact offline. Toward that end…
I am committed:
To using my time online to make myself a better person offline. I won’t:
- Use the Internet to create an exclusionary bubble that filters out a broad swath of my fellow humans.
- Use social media to aggrandize myself rather than connect meaningfully with others.
And when I do engage…
I promise:
To add as much value as possible. I won’t take from others (their time, their attention) without giving them more in return (my knowledge, my understanding).
My past is (almost) prologue
Somewhere deep inside will forever be that boy on a tractor, tilling his way across the vastness of the internet, uncovering fresh ideas like upturned soil.
But I’ve learned that a solitary existence does not make for a fulfilling life. Every once in a while, you have to get off the tractor and talk to the birds. 8

Until next time…remember the OverExamined Life motto: Think about it. A lot. Then do something.

Can you name the last time you achieved the introversion trifecta? 1) Highly anticipated an upcoming social event. 2) Enjoyed yourself while you were there without reservation. 3) Didn’t regret anything you said or did afterward.
I’m thinking…I’m thinking…
This was an epic read, I shared the link and some bits with friends as I was reading it because of how mindblown I was. The part about connecting to ideas and such, wow.
Thanks for writing this, I think I now understand a bit more about myself.
Hey, thanks for letting me know Sebastien. Of course when I hit “publish” I like think I’ve created an epic read…but epic is in the mind of the beholder, not the creator, and it’s always nice to get feedback.
I love this! I have often thought about how ironic it is that while most people bemoan the way social media has eroded our “real relationships” I feel the exact opposite about it; social media has honestly enhanced my social life. I understand the criticism, but because I am committed to a similar approach as you outlined in how I interact, and because of my introverted nature, sm has allowed me to be “myself” more, and interact with people way more than I would be able to comfortably in person.
With my high aversion to small talk and failure at keeping in touch with ANYONE, would I ever without Facebook still talk to my co-worker from 8 years ago? Know the names of her kids or dogs? Hardly! There are people I worked with for years, but never had a conversation with, that I find to be completely fascinating people online! Getting to interact with them in a way that works better with my personality allows me to see all the cool parts of them that all the extroverts already knew from all those awkward coffee breaks they took together ?
No! Yet I may always be considered an extrovert by others…. must have a very convincing avatar…
It’s like a stage actor who plays one part for years (e.g. Yul Brynner doing the King and I for 30 years): a lifetime of honing the role you play will make it convincing to any audience…even ones who have seen the performance time and time again.
Thanks, Andrea. The impact of social media – and the internet in general – has been more positive than negative on our society I think. No going back, in any event.
My issue that that I don’t even interact on social media. I have a Facebook page to promote this website, but don’t ever interact through a personal account with anyone. On Twitter, I just follow and barely tweet. Same for Instagram. I rely on my wife to inform me of anything happening with our extended family that I need to know about, and otherwise it’s just email with my siblings. Not sure why, but I just can’t make myself.
So…I’m glad when people comment. I guess I’m building my own tiny social network in the hardest way possible by attracting followers.
This was a great article. This morning I was sitting in my backyard with my “community” [my wife and two dogs] reading online articles when I came across this one. After reading the first bullet point, I commented to my wife, “I really resonate with this guy.” Then, as I read through the paragraphs, time and time again I had that “yep, that’s me” experience. Thank you for sharing. It was good to experience the soul of a kindred spirit.
Hey, thanks for the feedback, Paul. Kindred spirits have to stick together. As long as, you know, we don’t actually have to personally interact with each other…
Absolutely loved your style of writing and can totally relate to what you say. I’d love to be as witty and eloquent, then I would take up writing too.
I have to interact with up to seven driving test candidates a day and my group of colleagues, so I feel like an actress at times although I strive to be as authentic as I can be. I spend most of my spare time alone, researching the Internet for deep and meaningful information. I have a very small group of friends who mean the world to me but I see them sparingly, especially if I’ve had a lot of interaction at work.
I’ve signed up for your emails, thanks for your work.
Thanks, for commenting, Gill. All the world’s a stage…
Hi, I recognise myself in a lot of what you write but find myself pulling away from other ideas and can’t figure out exactly where I lie on the introvert scale. I always feel the socialising thing is like a muscle that needs exercising, it isn’t always fun but it does me good.
In terms of the rules of those encounters, I have found over the years that I am mainly able to interact on my own terms and speak in the way I want to. The hangover though is that people often try to pigeonhole me as odd or weird. “Oh that’s such a David thing to say ” which makes me want to knock teeth out but I don’t let it stop me and mainly use humour to navigate these situations.
And I have found, especially in recent years, that I enjoy that interaction more and more and actually need less alone time. I think it’s maybe that I need my alone time to be more productive and then I feel more able to cope generally. I have found that my scale has shifted in ways I can’t quite define or calculate. Perhaps it’s also that I have found ways of making these social interactions more meaningful? That can make others a little uncomfortable, I know, but generally the payoff is worth it. I have also found the ‘touch’ things has shifted and isn’t always easy to give a number to, sometimes I need it/like it more than others.
And as you can see, I have no problems talking about myself, ha, ha. I’m sort of known as someone who has lots of personal anecdotes which are often strange but true and make me sound a lot more interesting than I actually am; another defence mechanism? Hmmmm, I’m not sure but I do find the introvert/extrovert balance a constantly shifting scale.
Anyway, I will keep visiting your site now, thanks, David
Thanks for that thoughtful comment, David. Obviously, I have no problem talking about myself, either, so you are in good company here!
The instinct to pigeonhole and label is – I think – one of the greatest human tragedies; bad enough that so many seek to relegate others to defined categories, but most do it to themselves as well.
Great to have you stop by.
Thank you for this article, I can relate to it so much! I too have refined a pretty good “socializing with people” act to the extent that others wouldn’t consider me at all withdrawn and would be surprised if I told them that socializing actually makes me super anxious.
Don’t even get me started on hugging, touching and other physical contact… I like the idea of handshakes as “hand hugs” :).
Nice to feel like I’m not the only one!
Thanks for sharing, Kelsi. “The act” is always something I’m working on…a role that never seems to be perfected in spite of all my rehearsals!
I’m a Dentist and so not sure whether my introversion has been acquired from dealing with people in an awkward setting over years or was I always an introvert with a good avatar?
I do recall as a young man finding socialising highly exhausting and would fuel my extroversion gland with large doses of alcohol!
After an exhausting day I get home and avoid doorbells and phones like the plague. I can really relate to your blog and look forward to more. (subscribed)
Anyway, I recall a canal barge trip with 3 mates. Poker every night and lots of beer. It was a long canal boat so there were long periods of solitude in the bow watching the river unfold at walking pace. The other guys are all clinicians too so it was a kind of shared solitude. We only really socialised in the evenings playing epic games of poker! The one extrovert on the trip was the designated cook and we kept him busy in the Galley!!
But I can honestly say that is the only time I acquired the triple! I think it’s the constant movement making all interactions with passers by tolerably brief. I had a few anxious moments on crowded locks but minutes later I was back to drifting though open countryside with nothing but a family of ducks and the low chug of the Perkins diesel And an ice cold lager to occupy my mediation.
I suggest a blog of “recommended Holidays for introverts”. Canal boat trip definitely fit the bill but be very careful who comes with you!!
Hey Tim, thanks for that thoughtful comment. I’ve thought about a nice canal float in England ever since I read “Three Men in a Boat.” Although, I’d prefer your motorized version over rowing! (I’m assuming England based on your spelling.)
The one trip that I would love to do would be an extended voyage at sea on a cargo ship. A little crew interaction when eating and otherwise nothing but reading. My wife, however, is not enthusiastic about that!
Maintaining “the avatar” increases the rate of socialization exhaustion. You have to constantly remember: “Who am I supposed to be for this person?” Drains the battery even faster than the already draining experience of just existing in the presence of too many people.
Thanks for following. I appreciate it.
Great article. It resonated a lot with me – I like time to myself but have a leadership role so have trained myself to be extroverted for short periods of time. Full day workshops are exhausting though.